Silly Lyrics Corner

One of my rather dubious talents is writing alternative lyrics to songs. It's not much use except for amusing people, hence me inflicting my works of genius* on the internet. This one has been posted before on a different blog, but it's my work so I thought I'd share it here.

Now, something that amuses me in cricket is the way that commentators (by necessity, unless you're listening to Test Match Sofa) hedge around saying exactly what's happened when a player gets a cricket ball to the groin area. "Upper inner thigh... if you know what I mean" appears to be a favourite. Being of the girlie persuasion, I can't really sympathise with the level of pain (and will resist my usual trump card of "Yeah? Well I've had a baby!") but I've seen how it quite literally brings batsmen to their knees. A special mention has to go to Kumar Sangakkara who, in the Test against England at Lord's last summer, executed a stunningly graceful collapse in the face of what must have been pure agony.

 * This is sarcasm, just in case you weren't sure.



So anyway, to the tune of A Shot In The Dark by Ozzy Osbourne, here is...

A Smack In the Box

Standing on strike, position just right

I can hear my heavy breathing.

Helmet in place, pads strapped on tight,

They’re all things I can believe in.

Voices are calling from out in the crowd

I can hear them, I can hear them.

The opposition is chirping so loud,

They can’t try to hurt me now…

But a smack in the box, bowled at 80 miles per hour

Just a smack in the box makes the boldest batman cower

Ow, shite!

Down on my knees and I’m gasping for air.

Can’t get up though there’s a reason.

Feels like just one where I once had a pair,

My knackers hate the cricket season

But just cos I’m wounded, the bowlers won’t cease,

They’ll remember, won’t surrender.

Gritting my teeth I limp back to my crease,

I won’t retire hurt just now…

But a smack in the box, 80 miles per hour again,

Just a smack in the box opens up a world of pain,

A smack in the box, tried to hit that ball in vain.

Ow, shite!

The last hit felt like it pushed things up much higher.

Stuff the cricket, take my wicket.

I’m singing soprano in Sunday’s church choir.

No, I’ll carry on just now…

But a smack in the box, bowler’s got it in for me,

Another smack in the box, pain so bad that I can’t see,

Just a smack in the box, I’ll never have a family.

Ow, shite!

Just a smack in the box

Just a smack in the box

Sod this, I’m taking up golf.

The video is here if you want a look. Original lyrics are here.